RESPONSE TO URBAN SAFARI CLUB’S THREATENING LETTER

Here the other guinea pig cheered, and was suppressed.

Dear Reader,

Yup, it’s me again!! Just when the Urban Safari Club thought it was safe to go back into the water … dun-dun dun-dun dun-dun ………

Truly, I have been as busy as a honey badger at a bee hive!! I see that the Machanick chappie is beside himself spitting feathers – enough for a couple of pillows by now - and Jonker – aka Konstaable Aable? Well I never! He still hasn’t been able to tear himself away from that full-length mirror. Tsk-tsk!!

As you can imagine, bags of exciting things have happened since last I wrote! The Syndicate of Bell/John Deere/Control Instruments has enlisted the services of a Criminal Defence Attorney - Richard Erasmus - from the legal firm of Denys Reitz in a frantic effort to ensure a cover up of senior management’s involvement in this Murder Conspiracy.

Erasmus’s clients – the illustrious Urban Safari Club (Machanick, Jonker, Finotti, Scobie, McDuling et al) - are indictable for forty-four attempted murders and approximately seven hundred assaults that have been perpetrated on the premises of Bell / John Deere – this, between 1997 and 2006. Individual members of this unholy cabal are guilty of Assault, Attempt to commit Grievous Bodily Harm, Attempted Murder and Conspiracy to Commit Murder. Golly!!

Erasmus has assured his clamorous, hand wringing clients that he will take care of this paltry matter. His intent is to use the law to bludgeon me into silence thus ensuring that the Murder Conspiracy is covered up and his criminal clients escape justice. He assures me that my previous missive constitutes criminal defamation (this, before due legal process) and then – imperiously – he dashes off a list of ultimata – for immediate compliance.

1) The withdrawal of my “Open Email To Jonker and Machanick”. (Hmm. This is tantamount to condoning their murderous criminality.)

2) An unequivocal apology for the harm caused to his client’s reputations. (A veritable classic!! They failed to murder me and now I must apologise for their incompetence!)

3) An undertaking that I will not publish anything again that will injure his client’s reputations or expose them to contempt or ridicule. (My book – THE URBAN SAFARI CLUB - is banned already?? Shades of the evil apartheid regime!!).

4) They are going to be claiming damages. (Damages?? Hmm. This should prove interesting.)

Brazen-faced and displaying an astonishing verbal sleight of hand, these unholy USC creatures step forward and blithely present wrong as right. Doubtless, these little darlings are hard done by here, as a conviction for the mundane crime of Murder Conspiracy on their CV’s does seem a little insipid. Indeed, it lacks cachet - they actually need Murder 1 - after all Dear Reader, why waltz when you can rock n’ roll?

Should I perhaps feel resentment or bitterness at the violence and injustices that I have been subjected to? (Oh boo..hoo.. sniff.. sob). But seriously now, why should I – they were only trying to kill me and, after all, I am only another throw away human being. Could it be a game of “Human Rites” perhaps?? Hmm…Now there’s a thought …“That which does not kill makes strong”. Nietzsche I believe …. or was it Arnie in “Conan the Barbarian”?

Anyway, back to the USC’s demands. Dear Reader, What should I do? Is this a good time for a spot of cap doffing and forelock tugging? Display contrition? Beg for forgiveness? Throw myself on their magnanimous mercy? Hmmm… Decisions …decisions…decisions….

Let me see now… Hey! I’ve got it!! How about this little pearl - it ought to do the trick - although, alas, the credit has to go to the Kipchak princes, Idigu and Kutluk who, in 1398, were expressing a keen desire to get back into the good books of Temur the Lame: “….forget all my sins and faults and cross out with lines of forgiveness the pages of my wrongs”. Neat hey!! Whu... What?? Not good enough?? But…but…I thought…. Oh well, (sigh) I did try.....

Right Little Puppies, that brings us to the end of this Chronicle and…Hey!! I have just thought of something else! How about this… I promise faithfully not to publish anything….. I swear.....Honest.…Cross my heart….... www.urbansafariclub.co.za

BROCK of the BUSHVELD