OPEN EMAIL TO JONKER AND MACHANICK
The time
has come the walrus said,
To talk of many things
of corruption, murder,
scribes, badgers and kings.
….Er…um…my most groveling apologies to the
Reverend Charles Dodgson
BROCK of
the BUSHVELD
Insele
kalindamkhonto
DEAR READER,
One afternoon I got this phone call from the scribe Brock
who informed me that more skullduggery was afoot. Apparently, he was updating a
Chronicle when he was startled by a loud SNORK!!! On looking up, he noticed
that the Jonker chappie had stuck his snout under the tent again.
It appears that this chappie, Marius Jonker - a Security
Manager - is interfering (again) in a criminal matter (a case currently before
the court) by attempting to intimidate another witness into withdrawing his
testimony. Tsk- tsk!!
Jonker, the Security Manager, has sent out this appallingly
dishonest email to all and sundry in a, by now, frantic effort to suppress all evidence
of 44 attempted murders and approximately 700 assaults that have taken place on
the premises of Bell Equipment / John Deere (Yes indeed Dear Reader, it truly is John…safest factories
in the world…Deere. Wow!!).
Golly!! A security manager who attempts to subvert the
course of justice, who covers up assaults and attempted murders that are taking
place on the premises, who, in the beginning when I reported this matter to
him, incredibly, and very stupidly, threatened me with dismissal - then topped
it off with,” If you are dismissed, I will put the word
out and you will never find work in this area” (Dear Reader, Honest Injun!! Bring the Polygraph!).
Why would he make such threats? Why would he not put a
stop to this murderous business? There were witnesses (to be intimidated!). Surely,
even in The Brave New
Why, some security professionals opine that, never
mind two weeks, they would have sorted this obscene matter out immediately – immediately,
as in the moment that it got started. These same security professionals – with
raised brows - query Jonker’s motive in perpetuating this murderous business.
Why did he not terminate this criminal matter immediately? Why did he not conduct
an investigation? Why did he not interview the witnesses? Why did he not use
the polygraph? Hmm...Yes, Dear Reader, why not
indeed.
Well anyway, methinks yon Urban Safari Club (USC) is
getting a little jumpy round about now. Just when they were slapping themselves
on the back and congratulating each other on covering up a botched hunt (the murder
of myself on the premises) they now discover that they have not managed anything
of the sort - and worse, that I still want Justice. Justice?? Oh!…(Swoon). A concept
so noble! So quaint! So old fashioned!! Yes indeed.
Actually, a cover up of the criminal activities of these
managers of Bell/John (…safest factories in the
world…)Deere was never an option - despite the very best endeavours of these
creatures - in particular the Security chappie - Jonker - and the highly
acclaimed Richard Machanick (the then) Head of HR of Bell / John Deere (…safest…).
These
two splendid specimens - in collusion with their reptilian associates in the
USC - have breached a goodly number of major Criminal Laws - and just about every
Labour Law on the statuettes. They managed to achieve this by colluding to commit
murder on the premises of Bell/John Deere (…safest …)
and then, with supreme arrogance, suppress all lawful efforts to put an end to
this murderous activity. Tsk- tsk!!
Dear
Reader, Let’s just see how
many laws this USC mob has managed to breach so far:
LABOUR
RELATIONS ACT No. 66 OF 1995/97.
INTIMIDATION
ACT 72 OF 1982: SUBORNMENT:
CRIMINAL PROCEDURE ACT 56 OF 1955: BEHAVING IN A
DISORDERLY MANNER OR MANNER
LIKELY TO PROVOKE A BREACH OF THE PEACE.
ROAD TRAFFIC ACT 29 OF 1989. DANGEROUS AND
RECKLESS DRIVING:
COMMON LAW: ATTEMPTED MURDER,
INCITEMENT TO MURDER, CONSPIRACY TO MURDER,
ASSAULT WITH INTENT TO COMMIT GRIEVOUS BODILY
HARM, THEFT:
INTIMIDATION
ACT: ACT 72 OF 1982,
OCCUPATIONAL
HEALTH AND SAFETY ACT: ACT 85 0F 1993,
THE
CONSTITUTION: ACT 108 of 1996: BILL OF RIGHTS:
CLAUSES:
9, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 18, 23, 24, 33, 34, 38.
Hmmm.
Not bad for a Security Department and an HR Department of an international
organisation –
This Machanick chappie is currently employed by CONTROL
INSTRUMENTS in Pietermaritzburg. Those employees – and Richard Friedman his
cousin who employed him - will be delighted to learn that Machanick has brought
some exciting and highly sought after interpersonal skills to their Sleepy
Hollow HR Department. His best selling book- 3 Easy Steps To Brutality And Murder In The Workplace - has taken
the HR world by storm.
Anyway, Dear
Reader, more on that later. Right now, let’s
get back to this clammy skinned Jonker chappie who is busy trying to intimidate
another one of my witnesses….
Salutations O Great Lord Marius!!
Let us investigate your latest offering to the gods of
moral depravity. (Hey! I like the bouncing ball – straight from a fumbled “hands
in the scrum” Right? No?? Golly!! Er…um….SpecSavers has a special on this
month…..)
Statement
1: Please be
aware….dismissed from
person on
site in future contact myself or Corne immediately please.
Response 1: The “…be aware... “ bit is cute. A neat little attention grabber: Conjures
up images of a stripe bedecked convict – chain-gang - on the lam – reward.
Hmmm. Shades of Cool Hand Luke and The Fugitive. Neat.
Then, this is followed by “...dismissed from
Then, there is this cracking All Points Bulletin: If I
am seen on site contact yourself or Corne immediately. Wow!! I just love that dramatic life
and death sense of urgency. Do not approach this man!! Contact me immediately
- and I will chopper in a SWAT team to take care of the problem! The only thing
that you missed out on was posting a bunch of Most Wanted pickies up on notice
boards around
Statement 2: ……..that
Colin Douglas has been dismissed from
Response 2: Wow!! A calculated lie. Who
would ever have thought you capable of this?
– an
ex-South African Police lieutenant, a Security Manager of an International Organization
– Bell / John Deere - and an International
Rugby Referee - at the World Cup in Paris! Golly!!
I was not dismissed from
Gosh! I guess these two upright stalwarts must have completely
forgotten to inform you of this fact! Doubtless, now that you have sent this hugely
dishonest email to everyone at
Oh! I almost forgot! Also present when I resigned was Charles
Oakes – Commissioner for the CCMA (Commission for Conciliation, Mediation and
Arbitration). He certainly made you and your Urban Safari Club aware of what he
thought about this murderous game that you have been running at
(Dear Reader, Please see CASE
No: MEKN 1715 for more on this unholy business.)
Statement 3:… That we
are currently involved in a legal battle with him.
Response 3: Huh... Wha...?? My goodness Jonker !! This is
an absolute whopper!!
I am
certainly not aware of any “legal battle”. There is a Criminal Case pending
against your USC in-house killer but other than this I am not aware of anything
else.
Intriguingly, who is this “we” that you are referring
to? As it is plural I am assuming it is
When you were shepherding your proxy killer around to
his arraignment at the Magistrate’s Court did you… WOAH!!!… JUST A
MINUTE!!! WHA??...YOU WERE WHAT???....WHO??...This
same man who has perpetrated 44 attempted murders and approximately 700
assaults at
Oh, I see. You were worried that your man might indiscreetly
blurt out something within earshot of the Prosecutor. So you panicked, jumped
in the car and shepherded him around the Magistrate’s Court until you could get
him safely to the Safari Club’s attorney?
I can certainly appreciate your agitated concern here as
your man is a hugely entertaining loose cannon. Why, one can just imagine what will
emerge if the Prosecutor gets hold of him in court!! Aish!!! We can’t have that now, can we Jonker?? Not
likely indeed.
Still, I mean really, should an ex-police officer, a security
manager of an international organisation - and an International Rugby Referee -
be covering up a murder conspiracy on the premises of
Help me now. As I understand this lovely thing that
you have got going here, the Security Department and the HR Department of Bell /
John Deere, as policy, provide a cover-up service for an employee who is going
around trying to murder someone on the premises. He also occasionally violently
assaults and tries to kill women on the premises?? Have I got this right? Say
what?? I can’t hear you. What, no comment?? Hmm. Good stuff all this.
Oh hello!! What’s that you say? He’s a hell of a nice
guy? Why, you would even go so far as to invite him to your family barbecue on
Saturday afternoon! No kidding?? There is no doubt about it – there’s agonnabe some
mighty startled folk at a barbecue this weekend.
Clearly, the Spirit of Ubuntu has stirred in your breast
and moved you to perform acts of compassion for the wicked. The entire work
force will be gratified to know that when NUMSA Union member Jim Gumboots
Umxaka – the lowly black sweeper down on the assembly line – is arrested for
whacking his buddy with a crowbar, Marius Jonker , the Good Samar... eh…. Security
Manager will be at hand to ferry him to court, provide supportive emotional
aftercare and, oh yes, a dollop of soothing balm for his fevered brow. Yes indeed.
Statement 4:... and that he is not allowed on site. ….
Response 4: Jonker, What is this “he is not allowed on site” stuff? As the Security Manager of
Jonker, You have no legitimate reason for making that
statement. You wanted to infer to the recipients of your dishonest email that
because of some heinous crime, such as attempted murder, assault or missing the
paper basket with my bubble gum wrapper that I was dismissed from
Statement 5: I have been informed that Colin was on site
last week (how he got on site will
be investigated) and that he was in contact
with certain of our employees.
Those of
you who do wish to have contact with him please avoid causing an
unpleasant
situation and do this away from
Response 5: Golly Jonker!! You know that this is a blatant lie. You
must stop this now or you won’t go to heaven!! You know full well that the last
time I was on the premises of
However Jonker, you, the Urban Safari Club
and I know full well that this email is not about me being on site. Being “on
site” is a pretext for you to intimidate my witnesses and prevent them from
testifying against your man. Not very subtle I’m
afraid. Ho hum…(Yawn).
JONKER, THE SUMMARY OF
YOUR EMAIL:
1) You calculatedly used alarmist language to draw
attention to your dishonest email.
2) You
dishonestly stated to the recipients that I was dismissed from
3) You
dishonestly stated that there was currently a legal battle.
4) You
dishonestly stated that I had been barred from site.
5) You
dishonestly inferred that I was on site “last week”
6) You
dishonestly inferred that I had been in contact with certain employees “on
site”.
7) You
dishonestly stated that there “will” be an investigation.
Succinctly, you consciously cobbled a bunch of lies
together and emailed them to everyone at
Dear Reader, One ponders on why
the Security Manager of Bell/John Deere would actively encourage this murder on
the premises. Votum captandae mortis alienae
perhaps? Hmm.
Anyway, I am being ...umm… pestered (there is a better
word) by the scribe Brock who wants to analyze this Jonker chappie’s email in
order to show the reptilian thought processes involved and how Jonker has cunningly
tailored the email to subtly intimidate witnesses.
Ok Brock, it’s all yours, but remember now, even
though Konstaable Aable is a narcissistic dolt, this is serious so don’t lay it
on too thick! Gee! Thanks Boss! Right…here goes!)
THE GREAT LORD MARIUS’S MISSIVE TO THE MASSES!!
Everyone at
Bad Boy has been dismissed from
My spies, who are legion, report that Bad
Boy was on site last week. (Short pause
here to allow a primordial ripple of fear to course up the witness’s spine. The
witness realizes that he is being stalked, for, he knows that Bad Boy has not been
on site). I, Lord Marius, will investigate how he got on site. (Oh oh! This must be very serious indeed!) Bad Boy was in contact with certain of our employees. (Longer pause here for the apprehensive witness to swallow
audibly (gulp!), shift
uncomfortably in his chair and regain control of his mouse).
Certain bad employees most likely brought
Bad Boy on site. (What??
Those ingrates!! How could they have anything to do with this savage brute? The
audacity of these underhanded dogs! They ought to be flogged!!) (Careful now! Not too thick. Oops! Ok.)
My investigation will reveal which bad employees
brought Bad Boy onto site. (This
induces a sudden bout of peristalsis activity).Those bad employees who do wish to have contact with Bad Boy must do so
away from
Remember this o ye wretched minions: The Great
Lord Marius knows where you live! Incur my wrath and I shall smite thee with
lightning bolts! I shall also rain fire and brim…. (Ok. That’s it! Enough is enough! Obviously
you can’t take this seriously. You’re banned from site…I mean the rest of this edition!
No!. Wait..wait! ..There’s been a misunderstanding…I
can explain everything…I …I …).
(Glancing
nervously over his shoulder, then looking to see that no one is standing near
the printer, the witness hits the ok button and sends the email to the printer.
Suddenly, hearing imaginary footsteps coming down the corridor, the bread
winning witness panics and scurries over to the printer and grabs the printout.
He quickly rolls it up and heads back to his desk. When he gets home he will
show it to his wife - who has been unable to find work for the last six months…and
the three kids need new school uniforms…)
Dear Reader, Talking of
intimidation, you might be interested to know that some years ago this Jonker
chappie – the Security Manager of Bell Equipment / John Deere succeeded in
suborning another one of my witnesses. An incident took place in which the
witness and I could both have been killed. Previously, the witness had had a
vague idea that there was something going on with the USC’s in-house killer but
he thought that it was probably exaggerated and, until that moment he had not
given it much credence.
However all this changed with this deadly incident. Noticeably,
the witness actually went as white as a ghost - having been given a sharp
reminder of his own mortality. Jonker’s in-house killer was also much
concerned. He had been unaware that there had been a witness present to this
particular attempt to kill me. The witness agreed to give a statement against
the man and I went down to the Police Station and laid the charge.
After my witness agreed to testify against the Urban
Safari Club’s in-house killer, the Jonker chappie got to hear that I had laid a
criminal charge against his man. Jonker – Security Manager and ex - Police
officer then “discussed” the matter with my witness. Suddenly, the detective
investigating the case phoned me. It appears that my witness had reneged and
was no longer prepared to bear witness against the Urban Safari Club’s in-house
killer. This was the first case (that I am aware of) of the intimidation of my
witnesses by the Jonker chappie.
The second attempt at intimidation took place a few days after the
31/5/2007 - when Jonker’s in-house killer was arrested and charged - and Jonker
so kindly shepherded him around the Magistrate’s Court. Less than a week after
this “warm feeling in the tummy” event at the Magistrate’s Court, Jonker calculatedly
called my witness into his office.
Present were himself (Jonker), Corne Stassen (assistant Security Manager)
and, slouched in a chair - closely imitating an innocent bystander on his lunch
break - was John Smith - the full time Shop Steward of the Solidarity Union.
Jonker neglected to inform my witness who Smith was - and who he was
representing - and further, he also neglected to inform my witness that a
criminal case had been opened against his man. (It was three weeks after this unlawful
intimidation incident in Jonker’s office that I and my witness learned that
Jonker’s man had been charged.)
The three of them – Jonker, Stassen and Smith - were fully aware that they
were interfering in a Criminal Case - with the specific aim of subverting the
course of justice by getting my witness to withdraw his testimony.
Incredibly,
having unlawfully interrogated my witness in this criminal case, they took a
statement from him which was then passed onto their man. They then sent their
man – unlawfully gained statement and all - around to Bell / John Deere’s
attorneys - Shepstone and Wylie! Tsk- tsk!! (Dear
Reader, I kid you not. Integrity? Huh?? Wazzat?)
This current email is the third time that Jonker has attempted to intimidate my witnesses into withdrawing their
testimony against his man - the Urban Safari Club’s in-house killer.
[NEWS JUST IN 22/10/2007 STOP. INTREPID BROCK
REPORTS THAT WITNESS HAS PULLED OUT OF CASE STOP.] Hmm. Well, never mind. (Sigh). [REPLY: KEEP HEADING NORTH STOP. STRATEGY REMAINS UNCHANGED STOP.]
(Afrikaans colloquialism)
It would appear that, in addition to Jonker’s
attempted intimidation of my witness in his office on the 6/6/2007 - and his
follow up email of the 20/8/2007 - Jonker’s USC in-house killer has suddenly taken
to menacing my witness in the Machine Shop Administration block on the premises
of Bell / John Deere.
I had cautioned my witness (now ex-witness) that he
was a very clear and present threat to
Jonker and the USC. I also could not advise him strongly enough that, he should
be very, very, careful when meeting Jonker’s man on the stairway leading down
to the ground floor of the Admin block. All attempts to injure or kill my
witness (ex) on the premises will have the full – and now desperate - backing
of these USC managers and the Solidarity
Dear Reader, Well, I must admit
that this news comes as a bit of a blow. I was in no doubt that as soon as Jonker
(Security Manager) heard that a criminal case of Intimidation was going to be
opened against him and his two buddies - Stassen (Assistant Security Manager) and
Smith (Full-time Shop Steward of the Solidarity Union) – Jonker’s man would
immediately start targeting my witness. And so it transpires. Anyway, a huge
round of applause here for the Great Lord Marius!! All rise!! Well done!!
Dear Reader, Let us leave this abhorrent
little Jonker reptile for the time being and see how one of his murderous accomplices
- the slithery Machanick - is getting along.
Hail
Machanick – O Prince of Darkness!!
How are things at Control Instruments in
Pietermaritzburg? Have you got the
Have you managed to get the Security Manager to buy in
on murdering employees on the premises yet?
Just be careful how you sound him out on this: The extinguishing of
consciousness is anathema to most people - particularly in the Judicial, Police
and Security professions. Your co-conspirator Marius Jonker – Security Manager of
The company doctor at your Clinic? Is he on side yet? By the way, nice touch there
Machanick! Whoever would have thought that you would get the company doctor –
Dr Rob Benfield – and another one of your HR Managers – to collude in divulging
confidential information from my medical files to your USC in-house killer! (Hi Doc!! How are things down there at
The cherry on the cake was when your USC killer then rounded
up his buddy plus a couple of Shop Stewards and lodged the hugely unlawful Collective
Grievance against me – using the criminally obtained confidential information
from my medical files! Aish!! Machanick, you tricky little devil! Whatever you
do, don’t let the law stand in your way!
No doubt the HR profession will be absolutely green
with envy when they find out what fun you had when you were Executive HR
Manager of
Who have you recruited for your in-house killer??
Someone with a criminal record perhaps??
Who is to be the first victim to be murdered on the premises? A woman?
Remember Renee Ryneker and Marenee Lubbe? Yes, of course you do. Women are such
nice, easy targets aren’t they? After your killer has cut his teeth on a woman
or two (pardon this atrocious terminology but you know what I mean – nudge-nudge,
wink-wink.) you can set him onto medium sized game - like perhaps, a mild
mannered little clerk down in the stores. Gee Wizz!! This is all such wonderfully
exciting stuff! Isn’t it!! Indeed it is.
En
passant, why did you and your Urban Safari Club try to kill me? In the
beginning I did notice a stark antipathy to academe but were you creatures really
threatened by my MSc. - in Security
Management? Did Jonker and Finotti think that a university type doing research
for his PhD. would be a soft target? Did you think that you could easily intimidate
me - that I would bolt with my tail between my legs? Did Jonker have a good
chuckle when I reported the incidents of violence to him? (My PhD. research?
Aborted. Thank you kindly.)
Subjugate my will? You failed abysmally. Perhaps the lascivious
thought of killing one of the good guys overrode your natural caution? (My lack
of integrity has yet to be determined). The dawning realization that you had miscalculated
and could not crush my spirit must have driven you obscene creatures absolutely
berserk with rage. Tut- tut!!
Had I been seriously injured or murdered on the
premises by your man, you and the USC, would have shrieked and danced like dervishes.
No doubt this would have slaked your bloodlust and assuaged your putrid egos. Yes
indeed. No doubt.
Hey!! Something is coming in on the wire. [BREAKING NEWS STOP. CONTROL INSTRUMENTS SHURLOCK MD SUDDENLY
UPS STICKS AND HEADS FOR PASTURES GREENER STOP. UNTIL NEW MD IS APPOINTED
MACHANICK IS ACTING MD STOP.] Huh..wha… SAY
WHAT?? Perhaps the inquisitive Brock has been nibbling on the mind altering
leaves of certain plants? Machanick - You the MD?? Oh I see!! Machanick the
Machinator! Yes, of course! This has been in the offing for a while right?
After work you would wait until everyone had
gone home then sneak around to the MD’s office, let yourself in with a carefully
filed skeleton key and sit in his chair. Did you snuffle and slobber on the
patent black leather? Own up now - how many times did the cleaners catch you molesting
that poor chair? Hmm?? But still, you at the helm of Shurlock? No. I’m definitely
sending the directors of Control Instruments a copy of that Titanic video.
Anyway, that’s it for now. Allow me to commiserate
with you and the other members of the Urban Safari Club for not having managed
to kill me. Do not despair; after all, this is only the end of the second round.
Who knows what fate holds in store for you? Yes indeed.
Penultimately,
congratulations are in order for the sterling effort that you have made to cover
up this murderous business. All rise! Well done O Prince of Darkness!!
Finally, when you ghouls select the next victim to be
murdered on the premises, try not to pick another Englishman: Some of us have
been known to be very awkward bastards.
Yimi
ozithobayo,
BROCK
of the BUSHVELD
Insele
kalindamkhonto
